New York State of Whine*

For those of you don’t live in New York, (which would be a full 0% of the people who read this blog) smokers here recently suffered their greatest tragedy since Joe Camel lost his courageous battle with hump cancer.

Regardless of the fact that we already live in the most taxed state in the union, our new governor, Mr. Magoo**, has decided to further stick it to NYS residents with a $1.25 tax hike on every pack of cigarettes sold. That may not seem like much to you pink-lunged health pussies, but to us pack-a-dayers it adds another 400 bucks a year to an already obscenely overpriced habit. I know what you’re thinking, we’re all shouldering the burden of this recession and if the state can bring in a little extra revenue by making an already harmful luxury less appealing, what’s the problem?

The problem is your face and that you’re stupid. I kid. While both those things may be true, the real issue here is that the state has chosen to justify another greed grab with the claim that it will prevent young people from taking up smoking. There is no conclusive evidence that so-called “sin taxes” prevent anyone from indulging their addictions. Furthermore, anyone who took up smoking in their youth knows that they could’ve raised the tax by a pound of flesh and it wouldn’t have stopped you from using that hard-won fake ID on a pack of Marbs. If anything, people who are considering taking up smoking, or did so last week, are least affected by the tax hike because they don’t remember a time when smokes were any cheaper. Ever have an old guy tell you about how a gallon of gas used to cost 1/8 of a wheat tail penny? Same principle. You don’t care and neither do the cool young smokers of today, which brings me to my next point…

I happen to work in an establishment that sells both gas and cigs (and is also the richest and most evil corporation in the world) and I’m here to tell you that people pretty much bitch about both equally. However, non-smokers seem to be of the opinion that their gas-guzzling habit is in some way less destructive to society and they are somehow more persecuted. After all, smoking is a choice, while driving is a necessity. This is where I feel limited by the blog format, because I’m unable to sound a deafening YOU’RE WROOOOOONG buzzer. Big tobacco is evil, big oil is eighteen million times worse.

(my boss and his partner contemplate giving me a 3 cent raise)

I don’t feel the need to explain how cigarette smoking, though harmful to personal health, has never resulted in any wars or holes in the ozone layer, but I will say that I’ve heard an exorbitant amount of talk lately about quitting smoking, taking the bus, buying a bike, etc. The day I see someone follow through with any such promise/threat is the day I’ll believe that price/tax hikes actually affect the way Americans think about their less desirable habits. The bottom line is we’re all getting screwed, we should all be a bit more conscientious about what comes out of our lungs and exhaust pipes, but in the meantime, there are always Indian reservations.

*This title refers to the Nas song, not the Billy Joel one. I’m not sure which came first and I don’t care, ‘cause I’m ill like that.
**Because he’s blind, get it? C’mon, it’s not like I get paid for this shit.