The Fresh Prince of Bill Ayers

Now that DLR has returned from the Island of the Lotus-Eaters, (speaking of which, what crawled up that dude’s ass? Did you read his last post? I feel like I’m blogging with an angrier version of Joe Pesci) I decided it’s time for me to start posting again. I apologize for my long absence, but fall is a very overwhelming time for me. I keep thinking Obama is starring in a new NBC series about robot doctors and McCain’s gotta grade my mid-term before he pitches in the World Series. It’s all very confusing. I’ve been so out of it, I haven’t even watched the news or checked my E-Trade account in like two months. I hope nothing has changed, I’m banking on my Lehman Brothers stock to help pay for my Bills vs. Patriots tickets. Love that Tom Brady.

Anyway, my favorite part of last night’s debate (aside from Bob Schieffer being the only moderator to show any balls since I moderated your mom’s ass last Wednesday night) had to be McCain kicking things off with a shout-out to Nancy Reagan. He should start all his speeches that way. It’s the freakishly old Republicans’ way of invoking the muse, the way J-Cain himself used to in Ancient Greece. Is that what war he fought in? The Trojan War? Oh wait, that’s what they call the debate that happens in the backseat of Bristol Palin’s Ford Explorer (Ziiiing! Be honest, you missed this shit). I hate to beat a dead horse, but McCain is old, like really fucking old. I don’t know why more people haven’t pointed this out, but the two oldest presidents in American history were William Henry Harrison, who DIED thirty days after taking office, and Ronald Reagan, who…well we all know how that turned out. McCain is four years older than either of them.

Naturally, throughout the debate, both candidates chose to focus on what a shit-talking dickhead the other guy is (I mean c’mon he won’t even focus on the issues!), culminating in a HI-larious argument over who’s campaign has been more negative. McCain, trying to stay clear of the “let’s kill his Arab ass” argument espoused by many of his supporters, decided to focus his personal attacks on ACORN and Bill Ayers - a man who Obama has now immortalized next to his dad, and Rev. Jeremiah Wright in his Hall of Unimportant Assholes From My Past. McCain tried to erect a similar shrine, but all those gook bastards look the same to him, so it’s just a bunch of busts of Bruce Lee.

Toward the end of the debate, (in a shocking turn of events) the conversation actually turned toward policy issues, as the two candidates answered questions about their planned education reforms. Weirdly, McCain slipped in a plug for Troops to Teachers which, as far as I can tell, is a program which takes shell-shocked, parapalegic Iraq War vets and sticks them in classrooms with kindergartners across the country. This is ludicrous. Any teacher will tell you that the horrors of combat are no preparation for teaching in America’s public schools.

Amazingly, a 90-minute debate about domestic issues didn’t focus entirely upon this colossal nutty-turd sandwich that is the current American economy. In fact, I think more time was spent discussing "Joe the Plumber's" personal finances than all other issues combined. Even Bush said two months ago that “Wall Street got drunk.” We now know that Wall Street got drunk, did an eight-ball of blow, fought the bouncer and took home the fattest chick in the bar. Its kinda like McCain and and Obama spent the night trying to ignore the loud, shit-faced frat guy hitting on their dates. Unfortunately, it’s only a matter of time before Wall St. pisses on our collective shoes and runs out without settling its tab. I don’t know about you, but I’m not paying that shit.

Election Reflection

I am so fucking sick of this election. Sick to death of it.

And yet I'm writing about it.

Maybe if I write a few thoughts down, they'll leave my brain and I'll be free to think about things that actually matter. Here goes...

Obama is dry, humorless, and will not change anything. I'm sorry to everyone who drank the kool-aid, but he won't. He's just like every other politician. Don't let the velvet voice or blank resume fool you.

McCain is dripping in desperation and actually thinks that women are stupid enough to accept Sarah Palin as a substitute for Hillary Clinton. McCain knows nothing about economics and fucked his chances by being on the wrong side of the bailout; elections are won on differences.

Biden has donated two thirds of a pittance to charity over the last few years and doesn't know when the Great Depression/Roosevelt presidency/proliferation of television happened.

Sarah Palin.

They're all clowns and I have no patience for any of them. The only thing worse is the media. Attention right wingers: Ayers doesn't fucking matter, guilt by association is a fallacy and the connection itself is tenuous. Attention left wingers: drop the paranoia about racial politics, McCain saying Obama isn't "one of us" didn't convince anyone that Obama is black... everybody knows it.

And worse than the media (I know, I know what I said), is the fucking voters. Yeah, that's right, you fucking people. Everybody's got a fucking opinion this election and no one can restrain themselves. Everybody is a goddamn expert but only on the issues that support their candidate. No one seeks out fair perspective. No one explores the richness and complexity out there. Everyone is spoon-fed content tailored to their particular political ideology with no potential risk of giving any intellectual credibility to the opposing viewpoint. This way everyone can sleep comfortably in their beds without any fear that some damning fact might change their fragile minds. Pathetic.

Sigh. It'll all be over soon. Then we can go back to whatever it was we did before we devoted two fucking years to this horseshit.