The Fresh Prince of Bill Ayers

Now that DLR has returned from the Island of the Lotus-Eaters, (speaking of which, what crawled up that dude’s ass? Did you read his last post? I feel like I’m blogging with an angrier version of Joe Pesci) I decided it’s time for me to start posting again. I apologize for my long absence, but fall is a very overwhelming time for me. I keep thinking Obama is starring in a new NBC series about robot doctors and McCain’s gotta grade my mid-term before he pitches in the World Series. It’s all very confusing. I’ve been so out of it, I haven’t even watched the news or checked my E-Trade account in like two months. I hope nothing has changed, I’m banking on my Lehman Brothers stock to help pay for my Bills vs. Patriots tickets. Love that Tom Brady.

Anyway, my favorite part of last night’s debate (aside from Bob Schieffer being the only moderator to show any balls since I moderated your mom’s ass last Wednesday night) had to be McCain kicking things off with a shout-out to Nancy Reagan. He should start all his speeches that way. It’s the freakishly old Republicans’ way of invoking the muse, the way J-Cain himself used to in Ancient Greece. Is that what war he fought in? The Trojan War? Oh wait, that’s what they call the debate that happens in the backseat of Bristol Palin’s Ford Explorer (Ziiiing! Be honest, you missed this shit). I hate to beat a dead horse, but McCain is old, like really fucking old. I don’t know why more people haven’t pointed this out, but the two oldest presidents in American history were William Henry Harrison, who DIED thirty days after taking office, and Ronald Reagan, who…well we all know how that turned out. McCain is four years older than either of them.

Naturally, throughout the debate, both candidates chose to focus on what a shit-talking dickhead the other guy is (I mean c’mon he won’t even focus on the issues!), culminating in a HI-larious argument over who’s campaign has been more negative. McCain, trying to stay clear of the “let’s kill his Arab ass” argument espoused by many of his supporters, decided to focus his personal attacks on ACORN and Bill Ayers - a man who Obama has now immortalized next to his dad, and Rev. Jeremiah Wright in his Hall of Unimportant Assholes From My Past. McCain tried to erect a similar shrine, but all those gook bastards look the same to him, so it’s just a bunch of busts of Bruce Lee.

Toward the end of the debate, (in a shocking turn of events) the conversation actually turned toward policy issues, as the two candidates answered questions about their planned education reforms. Weirdly, McCain slipped in a plug for Troops to Teachers which, as far as I can tell, is a program which takes shell-shocked, parapalegic Iraq War vets and sticks them in classrooms with kindergartners across the country. This is ludicrous. Any teacher will tell you that the horrors of combat are no preparation for teaching in America’s public schools.

Amazingly, a 90-minute debate about domestic issues didn’t focus entirely upon this colossal nutty-turd sandwich that is the current American economy. In fact, I think more time was spent discussing "Joe the Plumber's" personal finances than all other issues combined. Even Bush said two months ago that “Wall Street got drunk.” We now know that Wall Street got drunk, did an eight-ball of blow, fought the bouncer and took home the fattest chick in the bar. Its kinda like McCain and and Obama spent the night trying to ignore the loud, shit-faced frat guy hitting on their dates. Unfortunately, it’s only a matter of time before Wall St. pisses on our collective shoes and runs out without settling its tab. I don’t know about you, but I’m not paying that shit.