Here's the Beef

In the weeks leading up to the Super Bowl, two proposed ads earned their keep before they even aired by stirring up a shit storm of controversy. Since the point of advertising in the modern era seems to be to piss everyone off, thereby creating next-day conversation at the mythical office water cooler, thereby making non-existent Dilbert drones dwell on your wares until they eventually break down and spend their meager shekels on Snuggies (or, in this case, fuck other dudes or not have an abortion. Look, I don’t get it either!) both of these spots (even the one that didn’t air) were, uh…successful? Yes, according to my research (by “my research,” I mean the 2 ½ bottles of wine I just drank. Said research also indicates that I should totally grow a moustache, finish the shit outta that screenplay I’ve been working on and start rockin’ suspenders, just so everyone would be, like, "whuuuuh?").





So yeah, the Man Crunch and Tim Tebow ads both garnered a lot of attention despite being pretty inoffensive when actually viewed instead of just read about (provided you think tackling middle-aged women and same-sex tongue-fucking are inoffensive. If not, It’s a good thing you weren’t at my Super Bowl party). What frustrates me about the Tebow ad is the ingenious way its creators rode the wave of pre-emptive criticism and allowed it to do the advertising for them. Come Super Bowl Sunday (I mean “big game Sunday.” Fuck! Am I gonna get sued now?) all the pro-life nut jobs had to do was step in and deliver a surprisingly mild-mannered spot to make the critics look like they were the nutty ones. As far as I can tell the agenda followed by the fine folks at Focus on the Family went something like this:
1.) Court controversy by announcing plans for politically-charged pro-life commercial to be aired during traditionally apolitical Super Bowl, thus garnering more attention than a million exposed Janet Jackson titties.
2.) Allow liberal talking heads to explode in outrage thus stirring the proverbial turd just as the pro-lifers had hoped
3.) Air weirdly mild-mannered commercial
4.) Get this response from Middle America: “Hey I don’t know if I want that virgin mixing his political peanut butter with my Super Bowl chocolate....grumble, grumble, grumble…Hey that weren’t so bad. He done tackled his ma, har har. All they’s askin’ me to do is visit a dern website. Maybe it’s them pro-choice liberals that’s the nutty ones.”
Rubes successfully manipulated.

That said, I’m forced to momentarily stray from the traditionally liberal stance of this blog to say that while I may not be a huge fan of the decision, I definitely understand CBS’s choice to not air the Man Crunch spot. I’m all for gay rights, freedom of speech and blahditty, blah, blah, but at the end of the day, CBS is a privately-owned corporation that’s free to choose its advertisers and…eh, c’mon no one wants to see two dudes make out when they’re trying to watch football.
Besides, these ads are basically saying the same thing. If all guys started fucking each other in the ass, we wouldn't need to have so many abortions. Yeah, yo. I know it's good when I even offend myself a little bit.

Here’s some other ads that piss me off. Some Super bowl, some not. Some insidious, some just plain retarded. Enjoy:

Here's another one that aired during the “Big Game” (which – according to current trademark infringement laws – is the only thing that you’re allowed to call the Super Bowl without the NFL commissioner sending Ray Lewis to your house to shit on your forehead and have his way with your wife. It's true. Look it up). Now, some of you may be tempted to describe the following travesty as funny or even “cute” (*vomits in his mouth*), but when you think about it, according to the ethical standards and social mores that have governed the actions of decent human beings for, lo, these many millennia, it might be the most perverse, fucked-up thing ever committed to film (and I once saw a porn involving a tree limb, a suit of armor and a starved wolverine). Observe:




What. The. Fuckhole? Again, at first glance, this may seem pretty innocuous - even appealing. Who doesn’t like the idea of infants being manipulated by the magic of technology into some weird cross between Gordon Gecko and Dane Cook? Um…everyone who’s not a sick fucking fuck, that’s who. But the male baby is nothing new, he’s been buying low, selling high and presumably ripping lines of talcum powder off some supple nursemaid’s ass for years now (actually, the original was recently switched out for a younger, cuter baby – a disturbing testament to our nation’s ever-worsening obsession with youth). No, it’s the infant Lohan-in-training that’s truly disturbing (they even named her Lindsey. How droll). What's implied is that some of sort of sick baby booty call took place, wherein these two infants got shitfaced on milk (as babies are apparently wont to do) and engaged in weird crib-rocking baby sex. Oh, now I'm the gross one, right? No, yo. This isn't some innocent, Pebbles and Bam-bam shit; the baby who's unfortunately cast in the skank role spent the night got wasted and...giggidy, giddidy, goo, goo, gah, gah. Like I said, kinda gross when you think about it. This coming from a dude who used the term "tongue fucking" like two paragraphs ago.


If you don’t live in New York State, you probably never saw this weird and unnecessarily disgusting anti-smoking ad on billboards and bus stops all over the goddam state.



What this ad purports to be saying is that smoking is a dirty nasty habit that will make you go blind – like masturbation. What it’s actually saying, however, is, “LOOK AT THIS GROSS EYE WITH THE ONE OF THOSE WEIRD CLOCKWORK ORANGE CLAMP THINGS ON IT! ISN’T THAT FUCKED-UP?!”
Yep, that’s some nasty shit. Sure don’t want to look at that every time a bus goes by. But what the fuck does it have to do with quitting smoking? What’s always chapped my ass about anti-smoking ads is that they always adopt the tone of a bunch of non-smokers standing behind a two-way mirror, pointing and laughing at the cancerous asshole on the other side. Wouldn’t it be way more effective to sympathize with and even pander to smokers? I mean really, pull out all the stops; it’s a pretty noble cause. Maybe get some famous ex-smokers like Brad Pitt or Barack fucking Obama (or pretty much every other cool celebrity. C’mon, no kids read this. Come to think of it, no one reads this) say he knows how much it sucks to quit, but he did it so blah, to the blah, blarr. Besides, this is New York, the guy in charge is blind and he sucks. Are we to infer, therefore, that smoking cigarettes can lead not only to blindness, but to being a shitty governor as well? The last guy fucked hookers and ruled. Does fucking hookers lead to bald Jewish bad-assness? What if you smoke when you’re done with the hooker? I’m confused. Verdict: shitty ad.

These Doritos ads are just plain fucking retarded:




Why wouldn’t the dude just eat his weird samurai suit or go to the nearest corner store and drop fifty fucking scents for a bag of vile hillbilly chow? What were they out of cooler ranch? Again, r-tarded.
This one’s actually kinda great, though:



I support anything that encourages killing people who eat Doritos, even if the murder is committed by another Dorito-eater. Kinda like how skinheads feel about black-on-black crime. Thinning the herd, ya know? (Hate mail can be left in the comments section below.) On the real, though, Doritos, what's with the fucking death campaign? Why are we being encouraged to kill each other for...um, little flakes of something coated with something. Wow, I've been eating those things my entire life and I just realized I have no fucking clue what they're made out of. Gross.

So it’s been widely reported that Megan Fox used a thumb-double for this Motorola ad, but the real story is that Megan Fox is stupid and she sucks.




(Hey, baby, do you come here oft...OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO YOUR THUMBS???!!!)

So, Megan Fox has the ability to turn gay guys straight and make teenage boys jerk-off. Bullshit. the only thing that teenage boys and gay dudes agree on is that ball hair is something to get excited about. As you may have guessed, this really has nothing to do with the quality of the ad; I just hate Megan Fox for some reason.

In conclusion (and as a sort of eye bath to wash the image of Megan Fox’s toe-thumbs from your eyes like a bracing splash of Listerine after a particularly sloppy blow job), here’s two examples of advertising awesomeness. One’s from a guy who clearly knows his shit on the topic and the other, is the most interesting man in the fucking world. Enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R2bLNkCqpuY
(embedding disabled due to dickishness. Watch it anyway, yo.)





P. to the S. -
Now that I've been fitted with this fashionable ankle bracelet, I'm forced to abandon my usual late-night hobbies of peeping and hobo strangling, so expect more posts soon. And remember, Megan Fox is a vile twat-rocket. Peace!