Ladies of the Campaign Trail: Hot or Not Throwdown '08

The Thursday Throwdown is a weekly feature at Blueneck, where we pit two or more bitter rivals against one another in a winner-take-all death match. The loser is banished to the mythical Land of Wind and Ghosts (or the Eastside of Buffalo, NY, whichever we can find easier) while the winner (he or she who is determined to be the Blueneckiest) receives a special prize from the generous and blindingly handsome editors of Blueneck

If FDR had the misfortune to run for president in 2008, he wouldn’t have stood a chance. Not because of his policies or even because of some negro love child he spawned with the chick who played Mammie in Gone With the Wind. No, FDR would’ve been screwed the first time he took the stage at one of his rallies and wheeled his crippled ass on stage alongside his hatchet-faced horse of a wife, Eleanor.


(lovely in her day, I'm sure)

That may seem harsh, but unfortunately, the 21st century political arena is equal parts America’s Next Top Model and Top Chef. In other words how you look is just as important as what you can do. Which means in addition to having the right last name, you better be over six feet tall and have a flag pin on your lapel and a trophy wife on your arm.

With that in mind, we present the Blueneck Ladies of the Campaign Trail Hot or Not Throwdown of Twenty Ought-8.

Now, unfortunately, some of the prime contenders in the Race to My Pants '08 have already been taken out of the running. Examine, if you will: Jeri Thompson...

(sadly, she was crushed to death last month in a tragic jowl avalanche)

...Elizabeth Kucinich

(he received his first patent for “The Head Ladder” a device that allowed Leprechaun men to orally pleasure their Amazonian wives)

Fine specimens, both. They probably would’ve taken first prize and runner-up in the hot chicks with freak-ass husbands beauty pageant. But we’re looking for JFK, not Jon-Benet. Presidential politics is a package deal and as much as America might enjoy a first lady with a nose job and a perky rack telling their kids to just say no or save the whales or some shit, we just can’t abide some midget or fat ass giving us the State of the Union.

So now that we’ve weeded out the genetic freaks, we’re left with a pretty decent crop of broads, some of who are attached to dudes with presidential potential (I’m looking at you Hillary. Call me, rowwr).

Michelle Obama


If you’re into the dark meat, this is the election year for you. Though she’s no Beyonce (and let’s face it Barack’s no Jay-Z, holla!) this is the choclatiest race since the Nestle’s Qwick rabbit beat the Cuckoo for Cocoa Puff’s bird to the top of Milk Chocolate Mountain. Unfortunately, Barack’s “rock” just doesn’t do it for me. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve gone black and I fully intend to go back, but unless this chick’s packing a serious badonkadonk behind that podium or gives a lot of free shit away like Oprah, I’ve just gotta get my ghetto luv elsewhere. Is L’il Kim out of jail yet?

William Jefferson Clinton

Amazingly, I know a lot of girls from a lot of age groups who would smoke cigars and stain dresses with this dude all day. It always kind of baffled me because if you take him out of the suit and put him in a barbecue-sauce stained Arkansas Razorbacks t-shirt with his gut spilling out of the bottom then all your left with is, umm…Bill Clinton. Sorry, Bill you had your day in the sun, it’s not my fault if you wasted it with redneck townies and chunky interns. This contest is for the ladies. Which is brings us to…

Cindy McCain

a nice, non-descript trophy wife, who's not so ridiculously out of her husband’s league or age group that people start to think she was bought at auction like those first two freak shows. However, even though she was on the cover of USA Today a couple days ago, the media has paid more attention to McCain’s blogger daughter…

Meghan McCain

Sweet, shrieking Christ, that’s McCain’s daughter!? I was expecting her to look like the chick who played Bea Arthur's mom on "The Golden Girls". I think we have a clear winner for our first Thursday Throwdown. Meghan, I know this contest was supposed to focus on candidate’s wives and your father made a horribly insensitive joke about the Clintons’ daughter, Chelsea (“Why is Chelsea Clinton so ugly? Because her real father is Janet Reno.” Ouch. Not even funny), but I forgive you, baby. We can discuss it over dinner, because guess what? That’s your prize for winning the Thursday Throwdown, a date with me! So, Meghan McCain, it’s you and me, this Friday night! Of course, it’ll have to be a late dinner, because I don’t lock up the gas station til midnight. But don’t worry Denny’s serves up the Grand Slams 24 hours a day. Congratulations, beautiful! Oh and good luck to your dad, I guess.